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Saturday, April 18th, 2009
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12:36 pm
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I realized just moments ago, eveything i hate about you is really because i feel the same on the inside.
Which must be why i love you.
It only took me a year and a half to figure that out.
Now i have figured it out. and maybe i should just stay with you forever, i just admit all the hate and judgment that i really think but try not too. why would i lie to myself? why have i been lying to myself? I dont need to have friends, everyone is fair weather anyway. i want to run away, all by myself, well with mango. you are fair weather too. and i know that. but i dont need to be happy, with you, or friends, or family...? wait, whats that? i dont fucking need anyone.
Im just bitter because im alone.
I need not embrace that
nor place blame everywhere else.
I guess that is the difference.
I dont want to feel like this all the time.
And its naive, but its necessary for the attempt of happiness.
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| Thursday, March 26th, 2009
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11:21 pm
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I feel like I am not real. And noone has really met me. I want to stop hiding inside myself. I want someone to make who will make it okay to come out, and not judge me or laugh at me for hiding in the first place.
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| Sunday, December 24th, 2006
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10:34 pm - merry christmas eve
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I am going to be up all night cleaning my house. because i was uspposed to be diong that all day. and i havent started yet. i dont think i still talk to anyone who is on live journal anymore. but maybe i do, or maybe i should, i want to write so i will feel better. but i know i should really stop feeling sorry for myself and clean. my grandfather is coming tomorrow. he is going to rip shit if he sees my place like this. wouldnt it be sad if my family saw how i really lived. why i lose all the time, why i dont have my lisence, why i am stuck going no where. they would jusyt figure out that its all my fault, like i alreadyknow. but the question i cant figure out is why i run after four months. its close enough to mean something to someone but too long for me get away with not feeling anything. so its time to run, pretend i was happier with other people before. even if i wasnt i convince myself i was. in my head i have always thought no one would comepare to you. but i have always known thats the impression you like to leave, with anyone you meet. and thats why im not the only one who always runs back. remember when you used to run back to me? i am too good for you. i know this. im sure you think differently with my wasted life. i wish that i could just really feel what i already know. isnt that strange? i know that as much as i suck, i deserve better than i get. i deserve better than what i currently want. all the time, no matter what it is. i just dont want to be called out in the long run. i have to clean. or i will prove myself an you right.
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| Monday, August 14th, 2006
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6:15 pm - oh goody! livejournal.
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i dont know what to say. im just mad. again. I cant fucking beleive he wouldnt even look at me. i didnt fucking do anything to erik that he didnt do to himself. im so fucking sick of this shit, he finally admitted to me that he was lying to everyone, while he was telling all you about hwo i ruined his life and put him in the nut house, he was telling me how much he fucking loved me and he doesnt knwo why everyones blaming everything on me, and i had nothing to do with it. i mean come the fuck on, can we just sit back and think about this for a fucking second. i went crazy so therefore perkins went crazy and put himself in the institution. first fucking off, you cant fucking make someone go crazy... its not like i tied him down and made him stay with every fucking second of the day, he stayed all the time because he wanted too, even when i wanted him to leave he would still stay, he ditched all of his friends because he wanted too, not because i made him... i asked him all the time, why dont you go hang out with your friends, or your family, im sure they miss you, and he would reply with i dont want to see them, i want to see you. im sorry, but he became over obsessed and fell in love way too soon, i cant fucking help that we were on different levels. its not like i didnt tell him things were getting out of hand, or that he was moving too fast. he just didnt listen to me. i didnt want to break up, i didnt want to hurt him, i just wanted him to calm down. i didnt fucking know what to do, he was just slowly getting worse, and i didnt knwo how to help him, i did the best i could.... and then i stayed away, i just wanted him to get better. i didnt mean to do anything. i dont know i fucking hate everyone. all you fucking peices of shit that i used to be friends with.but whatever, you all win, its next to impossible for us to get back together even when the time is right, i cant even show my face.maybe i'll go get drunk and think about how much i hate this fucking city and everyone in it. for the first time in years, i can almost say i wish i never moved here.
Thank you shanon, for being the only one who fucking matters.
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| Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
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2:07 pm
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its been a while.I wish i had my own computer, its nothing against shanons, i just like to be in my room, my chair is easier to sit on, and i have a cd player, and i dont have to sit in here while she sleeps. lol i dont know why decided to update. i really didnt think it had been that long, but i looked at the date of my last entry and thought about it. I'm not really friends with many people that are still on here. i'm actually not friends with many people at all anymore. I miss my mother. i wish i had a phone. i cant wait till i get paid. but i know its nto going to be as much as i need and thats going to depress me. its all going to go to bills and i will still be ass poor for the next two weeks, until that one all goes to bills but then maybe the paycheck after that i can have a little. i wish there was just something i can do for a little extra money. just to live on between paying off debts.i have to get ahold of millers mom today. i wish the last time i saw miller wasnt when he was shitfaced.i feel like it wasnt a proper goodbye. not too many things seem like a proper goodbye with anyone anymore. whatever, i was going to make this much longer but i have to shower. its too hot. peace.
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| Saturday, June 10th, 2006
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10:44 pm - you think about yourself too much and you ruin who you love
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I feel weird. i dont know if i can really explain it. actually, im not going too on here. i think i will write myself a journal entry old fashioned, with pen and paper and my privacy. my sanity seems to be fading with every passing moment, i want to be who i used to be.
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| Monday, June 5th, 2006
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5:29 pm
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I went to pa over the weekend, it was really good too see brandi. i know some people thought it was fucked up i didnt go to the show, i just had to get away. I've been so crazy lately i thought that maybe it would help if i went home. it did, i mean philly was awesome and all but it wasnt quite like home, i mean I have never been much of a city girl and when i think of PA i dont think of the city. brandi lived a little outside of downtown so it wasn't bad, i just didnt get to see those beautiful pennsylvania stars. I know brandi misses them just as much as i do. I wouldnt mind going back before she moves back to state college though. being down there amde me think about moving back home. i have a lease so i know it wouldnt be anytime soon, it was just nice there, i always said i wanted to move back after i got out of highschool but then i just didnt anymore by that time. i probably wouldnt have many friends, but i dont care really. I mean if you dont have any friends nothing bad can happen to them. brandi is all i need anyway.
i quit my job. im so depressed lately i feel like im going to have an anxiety attack everytime i fucking walk in that shitty place. and then i see my boss and he yells at me for coming in at 2:01 and rants about cutting my hours and hes tired of this shit. "one minute today two tommorrow, they all add up samantha" shut the fuck up, chris comes in late at least 5 minutes every day and you dont yell at him."can you really handle this job samantha, it doesnt look like your doing so well lately" well im not doing well and you only fucking make it worse of course i can fucking handle white hen pantry, i have worked here for4 almost two years you fucking douche bag. and when things like that are on the tip of my tongue every day i cant handle it. plus its a fucking 13$ cab ride, what kind of fucking idiot moves across town from there job when they dont have a car. i hate myself.
I have to find a new job. i want to work at Umass in the cafe, its like 13 an hour and in walking distance from my house. i have to get my license. i wish i did everything different when i was younger. i was doing so well with shit until miss ronzoni died, then i got like im starting to get now and got so down and so low that i just didnt care about anything.i always just wished i went to college.... nevermind i dont want to talk about this anymore.
im a fuck up.
this is the point and time when i want to be slapped in the face and have someone screaming at me to fucking get up and get over it before i fuck everything up for myself.
i have gotten to be so fucking weak.
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| Thursday, May 25th, 2006
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2:19 pm - tell your daughters do not walk the streets alone tonight
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well its definitely been sometime since i updated, i think about it alot, but i dont get too much time to myself lately. i've been too nervous to update after i found out about moquin. i dont know why, maybe im just scared ill throw myself into an anxiety attack if i write about it. maybe ill go visit him today, a cab from lincoln st to hope cemetary cant be too much, its only across town, ha. i had a dream the other night that i went there to talk to him, and i saw him watching me behind a tree, he saw me see him and he ran, i chased after him shouting all kinds of profantities, kids thinks its fucking cool to fake his own death, he got everyone good this time, we all fell for it. i woke up before i caught him. Maybe it was trying to tell me to stop beleiving theres some possibility hes still here, im never going to catch him. hes not coming back. its over, stop waiting for him to come home on leave this summer. hes not going to just break into your house with a credit card again at 5 in the morning to visit you. no more random visits drunk talks cigarettes on vale st manor rd or hamilton. no more 507 main, white hen, or shady crack heads you find to buy booze.no more yelling at eachother to fix our lives, no more talks of michelle or kevin no more anything. and i just have to accept it. i just want to see him again so bad, like say goodbye. i want him to tell me that he died the right way, that he was happy and that it really was his time to go. he really did try to fix his life, and he made it, he fixed it, he got off of it all. he worked so hard and it just got cut off before he could even experience the good life. before he could get married and have a family better than his own. pass on his name, give us all something to remember him by. i dont know, i dont even know what im talking about, it was just too young, theres to much he had to do still. Brian moquin brought a lot of hope to a lot of people, me being one of them, and im glad that he touched so many lives before he passed. i dont know, moquin did his part in living. he lived more than a lot of adults i know. he made the best out of his 19 years, i just miss him thats all.
he brought us all back together. i think he just made us all realize that there are ties that shouldnt have ever broke, like dont lose people you care about when you still have the chance of seeing them. i mean from vale st to 507 main to this summer at aetna st, we have all changed and some people we take with us and some we leave behind, just never leave anyone to far back. i mean vale st was where it all started, and we all know that the originals will always have some sort of bond, some sort of love for eachother no matter what happens. I mean at least thats how i feel, when i first moved here i didnt fit in at south high, i had no desire to make friends in that school, then i met rod and all of you guys and i felt at home. that was quite some time ago, but when i think back i can still feel it.
I remember one of the last times i saw moquin, we went to hamilton st. him and I went out on the back porch to smoke a butt, it was just him and i and we talked for a little while, he admitted some of the things he was into on 507 main that he wouldnt tell me before cuz he knew i would kill him, and we just talked, but it felt good. it felt good to be outside of kirsten and erikas with moquin smoking a cigarette, just talking, like so many times in the hallway on vale st, and on the porch on manor rd. i just want one more cigarette.
stop fucking around and come home.
now that ive gotten myself worked up, i cant think of anything else.
fuck you for leaving brian moquin.
i love you.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: the decembrists
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| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
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8:39 pm
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| Friday, March 24th, 2006
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11:09 pm - this place has broken by american hearts
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i just wanted to tell the whole livejournal world that i love my life.
and i havent been this happy in who knows how long.
and im drunk and im so happy.
I miss brandi
i talked to michelle tonight and i am going to see her next week.
and that made my happier.
kirstie left cuz she has a stupid boyfriend. what is up with stupid boyfriends lately? god i hate that i used to be like that. iwish everyone was happy like i am. its 1111, make a wish.
casey x tuff is cute.
sam longvall blew us off again. haaaaaaaaaa
whatever im happy. :)
i love shanon and lori. they are amazing.
and so is he. fucking stupid rawwwwwwkk star.
uh, im so happy for him.
at least he will have the chance to live his dream.
i hope things work out.
im done with this.
i love piebald.
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| Sunday, March 12th, 2006
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12:40 pm - there is no sympathy.
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so...
I am very hopefull.
Hes leaving soon. Like always.
I cant fucking wait, its like the most exciting thing in my life.
Im pretty sure he kicked down the whole railing on our back stairs.
Of course he'll get off scott free, and ill pay for it. but i dont even care that much as long as hes gone and i can start again.
which i am doing...
Im dying my hair red again tonight.
we are looking at new apartments and hoping to get out of the lease.
I'm smiling now. all the time.
I'm reminded what its like to be with people who have hearts.
I'm reminded what its like to have fun.
I'm reminded of me.
Im me again, or getting there... and im so fucking happy.
I've missed myself.
Its going to be how it was before he came about.
And when we leave, he will never have a reason to come about again.
Us breaking up is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time, and now im just waiting for it to finish.
I'm sorry to everyone who told me to leave that i ignored.
The minipulations will soon be over.
in all honesty... when he leaves i know hes not going to pay me back, or my mom back, or the rent and bills he owes, or damages...I've spent so long repaying his debts at least with these ones i'll benefit.
I'm going to love my new life.
I'm me again, so if you missed me holla holla... cuz im back.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: hellogoodbye
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| Friday, March 3rd, 2006
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7:03 pm - we left our love in our summer skin.
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I know, i know that im mean to him. and i know that i really have kinda been terrible, and its not all his fault he has no where else to go yet. its just so hard to feel sympathetic when im this mad, and yes, im still this mad. its just so much easier to stay angry about rather than depressed. ever since it all happened i have been insanely depressed, and when it comes into my head it takes so long to leave. i cant even sleep well anymore. i just dont want to see him, or all his shit and its everywhere i am. its so much easier when he stays at her house, i cant sleep with him anywhere in the house, its like i can hear his phone ring from the living room and i want to cry forever.it wouldnt have been so bad if he just let me move on right after, he had to agree not to see anyone else. i should have known that was only on my part until he found someone better. i feel like such a burden when hes here, thats why i prefer when hes not. i have to go to gardner now with my mom. whatevs.
jeff and tj just stopped by, i wish i didnt have to leave right now. that was nice.
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| Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
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10:24 pm
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shanon vibrates to porn.
in no relation to shanon...I'd also like to say...
im a leader, not a follower.
i fucked him first.
ANDDDDDDD.....
I love kyla t.
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2:32 am - I just keep waiting for something to happen, im just not sure what im waiting for...
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i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
if it would just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and then you get two more to leave town.
in the event that we do adapt we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can’t think anymore about that or about her tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff
because if i can’t make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
so if there is a perfect spring that’s waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it’s going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Sunday, February 19th, 2006
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12:08 am
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im so upset. i fucking hate everyone. more than everyone hates me. my house smells like its burning. in the tiniest bit, i hope i dont make it out.
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| Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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12:09 am - im so good at condescending, its so good for my weak ego.
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why doesnt he just leave? Im sure that in his travels he could find at least one fucking place to stay other than here. why doesnt he fucking get back together with whats her face? i dont care where he goes as long as hes gone. I cant fucking take it. i cant fucking take it anymore. how the fuck am i supposed to move on with him still living here? I wanted it to end so bad. i really did, and now that it has im fucking ruined, and i cant do a god damn thing about it, i dont want to be friends with him. i dont ewant to see him every fucking day, it hurts. he just doesnt get it. i mean whats wrong with me? why cant i just stop caring as easily as he does? theres obviously something wrong with me. i knew i would hurt tonight. it doesnt matter.i suppose its just hard to get over someone that wont go away.
Im really not as drunk as he thinks i am. tonight is just the first night i have been honest.
I know that someday there will be someone. no one should go through life thinking they are never good enough for anyone. and i have felt that way for way too long. the first 16 years of my life i couildnt understand why i wasnt good enough for my dad,or for a normal brother,the first three years i moved here i couldnt understand why i wasnt good enough to be the only one kevin fucked. and now at my second attempt to have someone care about me, they dont. well whatever. fuck everyone of you fuckers. I seem to be the only one who wants to fuck me now anyway. so maybe i will pull a jason and go all skitzo and love myself. (that was one of those uncomfortable jokes that no one laughs at but me... cuz its really not funny) hahahahahahahahaha.
I want out. I want back in.
whatever. fuck that.
I think my life will be better after i see kind of like spitting.
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| Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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5:08 am - i believe its over.
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I dont like you. Thank you for making all this so much easier ass.
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| Saturday, January 21st, 2006
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10:21 pm - I need to stop begging people to care
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I know we are not going to be friends again. and honestly, After all that im not really sure about how i feel. its like everyone just bailed on me. my top three doesnt even exist anymore. two dont give a fuck and the other one i have been playing phone tag with since november. maybe im taking it differently than i should, but what else am i supposed to think? you knew the way you went about things would ruin our friendship, you knew how hard of time i was going through with money and other things and you knew i needed you around because i dont have many people i trust, or could talk to the way i talked to you. i mean if you were really that miserable or whatever your reasoning was, you shouldnt have gone about it like that, all you had to do was talk to me, you knew that. it was grimey, i never ever thought id see something like that from you. and you havent called, and i know your not going too. i wish iknew how things really were, i wouldnt have told you first, before i even woke up mike, i wouldnt have gone with you to get it. i just wish you were never a part of it at all. and it hurts, it really really does. i never ever expected it from you. and when mike talks shit about how you and dave, i instinctively tell him to be nice, then he brings me back to reality by saying "why? shes obviously not your friend, look at what she did to you? she doesnt give a shit about you, why do you care about her?" and i hush up cuz i know hes right. im sure none of this matters to you, because if it did it wouldnt have turned out like this. well, thats not true, i know it matters a little, i mean you wouldnt have tried to talk to me before you left if it didnt. but you and i both know dave didnt want that. he wouldnt even let you talk to me without yelling "we gotta fucking go erin". whatever this is pointless and i know that. I guess i just thought... i dont know, i dont know what i thought. maybe i just miss having you around all the time, cuz even if we do fix shit we wont see eachother more than once every couple months, if that, considering dave hates us and mike hates you guys. but i guess things happen for a reason. and i should just get over it and pretend i dont care our friendships over like you do.
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10:04 pm
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I just wanted to say thank goodness for Sam longvall. I love you, you have been such an amazing friend lately. And i am so thankful you are always there for me, even when it means waiting 7 fucking hour in the ER. haha i love you darling!!
P.S. I think shanon is moving in. that should be swell. <33
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| Monday, January 16th, 2006
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5:12 am - when your new eyes meet mine, i want them to see no lies.
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I hate myself.
i hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate you.
I dont have anyone.
I am not an adult.
I cannot handle this.
I have to keep mysdelf together.
This is not the time in my life to let this get in the way.
this is not the time for a breakdown.
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